ypsi~dixit

Fire up your stove.

Basic preparation:

After killing the fish, pop it into boiling water for a few seconds. Chef Bennett says the slimy mucus coating will practically melt away after this blanching. Though a knife will often be all that's needed to scrape it away, as a bit of extra insurance you can remove any remaining vestiges by rubbing the skin with a rough cloth. Cut off the tail (usually about 6 inches long), then tie a string around the head and suspend the fish over a bowl filled with a tablespoon of vinegar. Open bronchial holes on the side of the fish and allow the blood to empty into the bowl.

Some recipes call for using lamprey blood. If yours does, wash the lamprey with a cup or so of red wine, then mix this wine with the vinegar and blood, making sure that the latter doesn't start to coagulate.

Now remove the intestines and notocordium (the long, dark bitter-tasting organ running down the abdomen). Rinse the fish again and then decapitate it by slicing around the body and pulling off the head. If you don't want crunchy lamprey, make sure the thick, bony cartilage comes out with the head. Discard both.

Lamprey Stew with Garlic Mashed Potatoes

by Bob Bennett
Bennett's Bar and Grill, Duluth

3 lamprey cleaned, peeled, and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
2 carrots, peeled and diced into medium size chunks
1 yellow onion, diced into medium chunks
2 stalks celery, diced into medium chunks
2 cups hearty red wine
2 cups fortified veal stock
1 bay leaf
2 tbsp. olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

Heat oil in a medium-size, heavy-gauge stock pot. Add lamprey and vegetables, then sear until vegetables are tender. Add the wine and reduce liquid by two-thirds. Add veal stock and bay leaf, reduce heat and simmer for 2 to 3 hours. Season with salt and pepper and serve on a bed of mashed potatoes as prepared below.

For potatoes:

2 lbs. red new potatoes
2 tbsp. butter
1 tbsp. minced garlic
3 tbsp. sour cream
salt and pepper to taste

Boil potatoes until soft, then drain. Place in a mixing bowl with the rest of the ingredients and mix with electric hand mixer until smooth. Keep warm until ready to serve.

Please, can I have Hotdish instead?

Tante Erica! Sea lampreys thickly populate the Great Lakes around Michigan, and sea lamprey hotdish is a Michigan favorite. I just made some myself last week. Now that you've introduced hotdish to Australia, I think it's time to expand your gastronomical horizons and sample this Michigan staple. It's the favorite dish of everyone I know. Here you go:

Sea Lamprey Hotdish Recipe

1. Break into the Ann Arbor District Library at midnight and find the aquarium. Feel around in there until you touch something slimy or feel something fasten onto your hand like a suction cup with teeth. Place lampreys in your bike-bag.

2. Bike back home under cover of darkness while toting squirming bike-bag.

3. At home, turn on the computer. Hold the lampreys in front of one's blog and force them to read. They will fall asleep in seconds. Take them to the kitchen and chop them into one-inch pieces. This is the humane way to kill sea lampreys.

4. Put a layer of potato gems in the bottom of a greased casserole dish. Add a layer of lamprey bits. Drizzle with olive oil. Add cooked egg noodles and mix in a can of mushroom soup. Bake at 375 degrees for an hour and 15 minutes.

5. Remove casserole dish from oven and let cool for 10 minutes. Dish out generous portions to each of the salivating diners at your dining table. Savor the deliciously slimy, black chunks of lamprey--which is packed with healthful omega-3 oils! And minerals!

It's a classic dish from the recipe books of our hardy pioneer forefathers. Enjoy this Michigan delicacy, Tante E.!

And here I thought those were GOP candidates for public office...